How Do I Trust My Long-Distance Partner? | Chicken Nuggets for the Soul
Just in time for Valentine’s Day, we’re tackling long-distance relationships on Chicken Nuggets for the Soul. This is a topic that I am for once actually qualified to talk about, as someone who was in a long-distance relationship for many years.
“In a long-distance relationship, how are you able to stay trusting?” - B
One thing I’ve learned from my own personal dating experience, and from many anxiety-fueled conversations with friends over brunch, is that everyone’s level of trust is different and influenced by their own personal history. If you’ve been hurt in the past - cheated on, abandoned, or just generally mistreated by a former partner - you naturally may find it harder to trust someone going forward. Or maybe you just naturally find it difficult to trust others. I get it. It’s a shady world out there. As Mad Eye Moody said (many, many times), “CONSTANT VIGILANCE!”
Harry Potter references aside, it’s important to look inward and evaluate why you might find it difficult to trust your partner. Is your unease based on past experiences? Based on the experiences of others? Are you reading too many advice columns that are just psyching you out (in my case, probably)? Journal a bunch, talk it out with a friend, or see a therapist if that’s something that’s available to you. Once you’ve figured out the cause of this feeling, you can address it with your partner.
It’s cliche as hell, but communication really is the key to any relationship, especially one between two people who don’t live in the same place. You are two people (or more!) with real human feelings, not just love/sex machines (unless you’re the late, great James Brown). Wading through icky feelings like jealousy and unease are not particularly romantic, and even easier to avoid in a long-distance relationship. When you get so little time with your sweetie, it doesn’t feel awesome to spend that precious time talking about things that don’t feel great. I promise you, though, your relationship will be stronger if you do, and you’ll ultimately feel more secure going forward.
And these conversations don’t have to wait until you’re in the same room. In fact, I encourage you to talk about them when you’re not together, over the phone or on a Skype date, rather than bottling them up for the next time you’re in the same room. Avoidance only breeds resentment. Bringing up your feelings over text is great, too - like writer Maria Del Russo, I’m a big fan of the text discussion when other options are inconvenient. And make sure you are communicating in a way that is healthy and productive! YouTuber Stevie Boebi has a lot of videos on just how to do this, but her lesson on “How To Not Be Jealous” is a personal favorite.
All long-distance relationships are different - some start long-distance, some become long-distance when a partner moves for work/school/whatever reason, others are only long-distance for a short period of time. Regardless of how you and your partner ended up in two different places, it’s important to have some sort of plan for how your relationship will work while you’re separated, and how long the separation will last (if your goal is to eventually be in the same place; some people are cool with indefinite separation and that’s okay, too!). This could be anything, from an agreement not to go X number of weeks without an in-person visit, or weekly Skype dates, or a plan for one partner to move to the other’s city after a certain amount of time. While I believe in letting things progress naturally in relationships, structure and reliability, particularly in LDRs, is important for building trust. When you really feel like your partner is there for you (even when they can’t physically be there for you), you’ll feel more comfortable in the relationship.
Talk to your person. That’s what they’re there for, after all.
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